This story is about my college journey through religious
extremism and mental illness. I hope that it will be
helpful for you to read about what I have to share. I
have struggled with my mental health since college. There are so many
decisions to make in college – and a lot of them are big decisions that will
impact you for the rest of your life. That feels like a lot of pressure.
I remember that pressure all too well. My mind, body, and
spirit responded to this pressure with anxiety – and it only got worse the
longer I was in college. Some students respond to this pressure by partying and
drinking to blow off steam, and others may turn to religion and campus
ministries to help them cope with the stress. My path was the latter. But even
that ended up causing me harm….
When I left for college, I thought I was a pretty well-adjusted student and
person. I was independent and ready for the next phase of my life. I had pretty
much decided on my major beforehand, but another major became equally appealing
during my Freshman year. I decided to take classes in both majors to help me
make my decision, but this ended up causing extra stress and anxiety. I went to college a devoted
Christian, so I began to turn toward God and religion more and more to help me
with the anxiety and uncertainty I was experiencing.
It didn’t take very long for me to get drawn into a
Pentecostal campus ministry. They offered a zealous, passionate form of
Christianity that made me feel alive and emotional. I liked it at first. I also
liked that I was serving God by reaching out to others and telling them what
God had done in my life, and I was developing a close-knit family with my
friends in the campus ministry. That close-knit family-like feeling is one of
the most contagious things about religious groups. It’s a sense of “belonging.”
It may be very real – or it may seem real. Either way, it is a very strong,
warm, and welcoming feeling that you get attached to and you don’t want to let
go of. Later in life, after leaving Christianity, this is one of the things I
miss the most – this sense that there are other people out there beyond your
own biological family that actually care about you and would take care of you
as if they were your own family.
After having a few bad experiences with this group, I
began to distance myself from them. It helped that I came home for the summer
and my Mom convinced me not to go back to that group in the Fall, as she didn’t
like the experiences I had described to her over the course of my Freshman
year. Unfortunately though, my religious passion only led me to other religious
encounters that, while they were more “normal,” nevertheless led me to continue
down a path of religious extremism throughout the rest of my college years.
This included going on a mission trip with a Charismatic Christian
organization, Bible studies that led to my becoming more and more devoted to
God, and a zeal to please God so much that I changed my major from something
that I loved, Music Therapy, to something that would train me to be a
missionary, Religious Studies.
In short, I had devoted my life to God. I wanted nothing
else but to please Him in everything I did. So much so, that I limited my sleep
to five hours a night (otherwise I wouldn’t have enough time to study and still
spend lots of time with God reading the Bible and in prayer), and I even
started to limit my nutrition to train myself to become a missionary. This led
to me accidentally becoming anorexic and losing so much weight that I weighed
116 at 5’11’’. I was skin and bones. Needless to say, when I went home for the semester break my
mom hugged me and was shocked. She sent me to the doctor the very next day and
I spent the rest of the summer trying to gain my weight back and developing a
healthier lifestyle. My nutrition teacher and fitness coach reminded me that I
needed to be strong enough to help people as a missionary.
But I had to overcome a sense of guilt at this point…. My
thinking had changed with this eating regimen. It wasn’t just about preparing
my body for less food on the mission field anymore – I started to feel like I
didn’t deserve to have more food, because there were people in the world that
were starving. This is when I had to remind myself about what my nutrition/fitness teacher said and retrain my mind to think differently.
Eventually I overcame these thoughts and gained the weight back. But this
wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me when I was a religious extremist….
Many religious extremists turn their self-loathing and
hatred outward and blame the “infidels” – so they turn their violence upon
them. This wasn’t so in my case. My self-loathing and hatred about my own sin
was turned inward. I wanted nothing more than to please God and do His will.
The hard part was trying to figure out what He wanted me to do! You know,
because God doesn’t actually speak to us…. Many of us have different ways of
trying to discern His will. Unfortunately, my mind was so desperate to do His
will and make the right decision, I began to get anxious. I would get hot
flashes and start sweating. Decision making was so hard – even small decisions.
Eventually, after a long time of inadequate sleep and nutrition, my mind
actually broke. I started to hear what I thought was God’s voice saying "Yes"
or "No." Every time I had to make a decision, large or small, I would wait for
this voice to tell me yes or no. It was actually helpful and calming at first. But
then it started to get in the way and become a distraction. I began to have
trouble concentrating and studying. It was hard to carry on conversations and
so forth.
On the morning of 9/11/2001 I was on the phone with my mom. But instead of focusing on the
terror and horror that other religious extremists were causing in the world, I
was suffering from my own form of religious extremism. So much so that I was
wasting away in my apartment, all alone, five hours away from my family and
hometown. I told my mom on the phone: “I don’t think I can take my classes this
semester” (it was my last semester in college). She already knew I was
struggling, and she knew about the “voice” in my head. My family doctor had
given me some medicine for anxiety, but I needed additional treatment. So, a
few days after 9/11, while rescue workers were still saving people in NYC, my
family came down and saved me from my apartment at college.
I began seeing a psychiatrist right away. Of course, he
thought that I had schizophrenia. I was the right age for it to start and the
“voice” symptom made sense. But he wasn’t a Christian, and he just assumed that
the medicines for schizophrenia would take the “voice” away. Thankfully I began
seeing a Christian psychologist shortly thereafter. He understood me and my
issues much better. The schizophrenia medicines did not take the “voice” away, because it wasn’t schizophrenia, it was
an obsessive tendency.
After working with the Christian psychologist for a while,
he helped me to see that sometimes the “voice” would tell me to do things that
didn’t turn out well. If the “voice” was God it would be perfect, right? That
made sense to me. So, we agreed that I would start to ignore and fight back at
the voice. After doing that for a while (and it took some effort, believe me),
it eventually went away. I ended up with a diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder (the religious kind – Scrupulosity). I still take medicine to help the chemical
imbalance.
You see, a lot of my religious passion and zeal stemmed
from anxiety. I really wanted to please God, and unfortunately the Christian
Church and the Bible sometimes build on and add to peoples’ guilt complexes,
rather than trying to alleviate them. For me, I had to actually leave
Christianity in order to heal myself. But that doesn’t work for everyone. Some
people who suffer from Scrupulosity are able to find a way to manage their
symptoms and still keep their religious beliefs.
For me, the fear of being alone (without God) eventually
gave way to the desire to overcome the contradictory thoughts, beliefs, and
feelings I had stirring within me. I was able to garner enough strength to
embark on a spiritual quest that never really ended. Up until this point I had
been a firm believer in Christianity – and even though I had suffered greatly,
and questioned my faith at times, I always came back to my faith. But when my
illness continued to haunt me – and it was so integrated with my faith – I
finally came to the point where I had to consider changing my faith in order to
get better. So, I decided to start exploring other faith traditions and their
practices, and I began to look at God as impersonal, so I wouldn’t have to pray
to him constantly. The funny thing is, this experiment worked! The more I did
it, the more I wanted to continue doing it!
I began to feel free from the chains of my illness – it
was wonderful! I even went a little “wild” and started chatting online, dating
online, and experimenting with other things I didn’t allow myself to do before.
During this time, which was while I was getting my Master's degree, I met and married my
husband. There were times when I second guessed leaving Christianity…and I went
back and forth for a number of years. But when my father (who was an agnostic)
died in 2012, I decided I could no longer accept the basic tenets of
Christianity and I firmly become “spiritual not religious.”
I
had also gotten a lot of help from a therapist who helped me to see the grey and
ambiguity in life, and who helped me to accept myself for who I am. She showed
me the black and white aspects of Christianity and many other religions, and
the need for more acceptance of the things we don’t understand in this world. I
also realized there are no “one size fits all” religions, and that people who
believe in certain religions, who can’t accept others who don’t believe, really
aren’t very loving – and I don’t need those kinds of people in my life. Through
this experience I grew more independent, I learned to think for myself, and I
healed myself in many ways from my religious OCD.
I still have anxiety and I am still working on developing
inner peace on a daily basis. But I can now confidently say I am ok with the
person that I am. I feel comfortable in my own skin. But it has taken me many
years to get to this point. I’ve always enjoyed the quote "Not all who wander are lost."
I still have a relationship with “Spirit,” which I consider to be the
essence/energy of the Universe, and I still desire to make the world a better
place as my personal life mission. What has changed is that now I am living a
well-balanced, healthy life that is full of a variety of activities, without an
over-dedication to religion.
I have found contemplative practices to be helpful along
my journey – things like meditation, mindfulness, and yoga. These practices not
only help me spiritually, but they also help reduce anxiety and lead to mental
and physical well-being. Other things that help keep me centered are spending
time in nature, taking walks, spending quiet time alone, building relationships
with friends and loved ones, and taking time to reflect and be grateful for my
blessings. Of course I still have difficulties, but overall my meds and therapy keep me stable, and
for this I am very grateful.
I am actually stable enough to work on a doctorate and
live a fulfilling life. I
once thought I would never be able to get married or hold a job or live the
kind of life that I now have. But it is important to reach out and get the help
you need. And to take your medicine, if that is what is prescribed – or go to
therapy – or whatever mental health professionals recommend for you.
I know that it is hard to get access to services
sometimes, because there are so many people in need – especially on college
campuses. Please don’t give up. College administrators are becoming more and
more aware of this problem and are trying to address it. They are offering more
group sessions and alternative therapies like yoga, meditation, and mindfulness
to help address the problems that can be alleviated through these means. If
your situation is more serious, please make sure people know that it is, and
don’t give up trying to get assistance. Keep clinging to the hope that even
though things might seem really tough or dark right now, there is always the
possibility of a brighter future. I’m living proof that it is true.
Thank you for reading my story today. :)
