Brief Summary of My College Experience

 When one leaves home and goes out into the world for the very first time it can be both exciting and scary. There is so much to explore, so many things to learn, and many decisions to make about how you will proceed with your life. This is especially true if you go to college. The opportunities are endless…. It can be very overwhelming and confusing. My college experiences included religious extremism, depression and anxiety, an eating disorder connected to my faith, developing a mental illness called Scrupulosity (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder combined with religion), and having to withdraw from school for a year and a half during my senior year to stabilize and regain my health.

Even though I went to college a well-adjusted, talented, confident, and healthy young Christian woman, my experiences in college changed me, my faith, and my life direction dramatically. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life when I entered college. All of that came crashing down when I got caught up in a number of zealous campus ministries/churches and “felt God calling me” to a different major halfway through college. I ended up graduating with a degree that was not even employable. This, as well as my mental health diagnosis, rattled my faith and sent me searching for answers. Why did God allow this to happen to me when all I wanted to do was to serve Him? It was not long before I began my spiritual quest….

[The various entries to this blog further describe these experiences. Start with "My Back Story" at the bottom of this page if you want a more detailed background about these experiences.]

What is Scrupulosity?

 I’m going to divert from telling stories about myself in this entry and write about Scrupulosity, which is what I suffered from until my spiritual quest. Scrupulosity is a relatively rare subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  Traditionally a Catholic concept, scrupulosity is the obsessive concern with one's own sins, frequently focusing on acts or thoughts not usually considered sins within one's religious tradition (Ciarrocchi, 1995; Santa, 1999).  OCD in general occurs in an estimated 1-3% of the American population, and its causes appear to be biological (some say genetic and environmental factors are also important) (Dunkel, 2005).  Usually medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) are used to treat OCD, including the scrupulosity subtype (Watkins, 2004).  Medication is most often administered by a psychiatrist, and the CBT by a psychologist or therapist.  I had access to both forms of treatment.  For me, the medication has helped a lot (though I have been to a number of psychiatrists, and tried a lot of different medicines until I found the best one).  The CBT I experienced was only somewhat successful.

People of various faiths deal with scrupulosity, however, in America one might hear most often about Jews and Catholic or Protestant Christians.  Some notable religious historical figures such as: John Bunyan, St. Ignatius of Loyola, and St. Alphonsus Liguori dealt with scrupulosity and included some of their sufferings in their writings (Ciarrocchi, 1995; Santa, 1999).  Therefore, it is not only a modern phenomenon, but has occurred for many centuries. 

OCD in general manifests itself in obsessions (with a particular fear or fears), and compulsions, which are usually actions that one takes to reduce the anxiety caused by one's fear(s).  These actions are often an attempt at preventing one's fears from happening (IOCDF, 2010).  An example of scrupulosity might be: the fear of displeasing God (the obsession), and constant ritualistic praying (the compulsion) (Ferguson, 2019). This was true for myself.

References

Ciarrocchi, J. W. (1995). The doubting disease: Help for scrupulosity and religious

            compulsions. Paulist Press.

Dunkel, T. (2005, September 9). OCD sufferers consumed by religion. The Baltimore

Sun. Retrieved from http://www.anxietyandstress.com/sys-tmpl/ocdreligionscrupulosity/ 

Ferguson, S. (2019, September 18). Scrupulosity: When religious or moral beliefs become OCD.

Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/scrupulosity-moral-ocd#1

IOCDF. (2010). Scrupulosity fact sheet. International OCD Foundation. https://iocdf.org/wp-

content/uploads/2014/10/IOCDF-Scrupulosity-Fact-Sheet.pdf 

Santa, T. M. (1999). Understanding scrupulosity: Helpful answers for those who

            experience nagging questions and doubts. Liguori/Triumph

            Publications.

Watkins, C. E. (2004). Scrupulosity: Religious obsessions and compulsions. Retrieved

            from http://www.ncpamd.com/scrup.htm

Becoming "Spiritual Not Religious"

 I had many doubts and guilty feelings after leaving Christianity, and I kept going back to it for a number of years. I would go through a cycle of being an evangelical Christian, then a liberal Christian, and then a nonbeliever. It felt like the cycle would never end. But then my father (who was agnostic) passed away in 2012, and I could not accept that he went to hell because he did not believe in Jesus. This firmed up my disbelief in Christianity. My therapist at the time also helped me to see the ambiguity and grey areas in life. I decided I was no longer going to believe in black and white religious beliefs, and since then I have been “spiritual not religious.” I have been adapting various beliefs from different spiritual traditions that work well for me and letting go of those that do not.

Now my mind is much more open, and I am more accepting of other people who may differ from me. I also feel more at peace and I no longer feel guilty about leaving Christianity. I know that I do not need people in my life who do not accept me for who I am. I have plenty of friends and loved ones who do. This has also increased my sense of well-being. However, it is important to keep in mind that you can explore and learn from other belief systems without converting to them. You can benefit from the techniques of mindfulness and meditation without becoming Buddhist, and you can develop the mind/body connection of a Yogi without becoming a Hindu. But it is important to acknowledge the cultures and traditions where these practices come from. This was also an important learning point along my path, that I could adopt wisdom teachings from other traditions without adopting the entire tradition. Becoming “spiritual not religious” was ultimately my journey, but it is also possible to remain religious and still adapt techniques and practices from other ancient wisdom traditions.