Feeling Alone

 I remember talking with my Dad (who was agnostic) one time about my belief in Christianity, and he asked me “Are you that afraid of being alone?” I hadn’t really thought about it that way before. But I guess some of my belief in God was rooted in not wanting to feel alone in this world. To give him some credit, he asked me this tough question after seeing me struggle a number of years with my religious OCD / Scrupulosity and my not being willing to give up my faith, despite the fact that it was harmful to my well-being.

After I had some time to think about this question, I realized that I really was afraid of feeling alone. If I gave up my belief in God, I didn’t know what I would do. It felt really scary. It was like God was my security blanket. I didn’t know if I could make it on my own, because I had grown to rely on my faith so much…not only spiritually, but also emotionally through relationships in my church, etc.

Eventually, I did decide to “break up with God,” sort of speak – which became my Spiritual Quest. This was more healing than years of therapy for my religious OCD / Scrupulosity issues. The root of this “experiment,” as I termed it at the time, was seeing God as an impersonal being. This allowed me to stop praying so incessantly to Him, which created space for my healing. At first it felt wonderful and freeing, but over the next few years I did experience the feeling of loneliness and confusion about leaving my faith. I also experienced the loss of my Christian “family,” friends who were only my friends when I was a Christian. That was really tough.

But looking back on it now, from a healthier place, I can say that I made the right decision…for me. It was what I needed for my own personal wellness. That is the key. We need to make decisions that work for us and not try to appease others so much. It’s important that we take good care of ourselves, otherwise we can’t help others and show up for others the way we might want to. I learned this the hard way, a number of times.

Am I lonely? Sometimes. But that’s natural. I still have a relationship with “Spirit,” my new term for “God.” But the relationship is not as close as the Christian version of such a relationship. Sometimes I miss that version, but I know that my mental health can’t handle that kind of spirituality. So, I settle for what I know works for me. It’s the best I can do with what I have.